Raw-er Relationship

The last couple weeks have been sorta broken-feeling and I've been cocooning. There's been a cracking of the outer shell of my being that I didn't realize was so stiff, a new peeling off of layers I didn't know were there. I feel raw . . . and alive and happy and sad and angry and relieved all at the same time.

Everything about life with God this year has been relationship relationship relationship. Life is supposed to be about knowing him, not just knowing what he can do, or what I can do with his power. But this stripping away of myself -- of my good deeds, my successes, my prophetic-ness -- has shown me just how self-absorbed I have been in my relationship with God.

A few days ago I threw myself on the bed and lamented in hopeless groanings. Have I ever been in relationship with God? Do I even know what relationship is? Have I ever had relationship with anybody? How do I know if I "know" another being? I thought of my mom and dad, whose home I share. Do I really know them? Do I really "have relationship" with them? In my brokenness I could see how surface-oriented and selfish our dealings with each other have been, and in my analysis of the situation deemed myself and all my so-called relationships unfit. . . even fraud. God, forgive me! I cried.

In the next instant it was if a ray of light broke through and I saw truth. In one sense, I DON'T know how to truly be in relationship -- that is, to truly "relate" to others. In another, it is downright silly for me to say that I do not have relationship with my parents whom I have loved and honored my whole life and with whom I now share living space, meals, work, and play. Perhaps we are each absorbed with our own concerns and there are indeed levels of intimacy that have not been (and may never be) tapped, but that does not mean that I do not know them or they me. It is the same with my God. I realized that in all my trying so hard to achieve relationship, I had forgotten what I had of it to begin with. I had started analyzing it instead of living it. God IS near at hand. His Spirit DOES live inside me. I DO think his thoughts after him. I have approached him often absorbed in my own concerns and there are indeed levels of intimacy I can barely imagine, let alone reach, but the God of the universe IS my friend!

I know, from personal experience, that he is funny, tender, forgiving, full of wisdom, and always knows where my car keys are! He speaks to me through spring flowers about who he is and what he's done. He lovingly corrects me through dreams and brings just the right book at just the right time. He gives me pictures of the knowing grin on his face as he walks beside me as if he has some giant secret up his sleeve, and whispers "I know how you feel" in response to my complaints. I know that he often prods, but never yells, sometimes scolds, but never shames, and like a patient teacher, finds new ways to tell me once again what he has already told me a hundred times before.

I know that knowing God really is impossible. I also know that he, himself, because of his great desire to know us, made the impossible possible when he became human flesh and died as a man to pay the unthinkable price of a torn veil.

And so, if he was willing to do that in order to know me, I will be willing to go through this breaking process to know him.... better. I will live this knowing into deeper and raw-er levels of relationship. Perhaps I should say, deeper and raw-er levels of "relating".

Peel away at the layers of my defenses, my Lover, my Friend . . . however raw I may feel. . . until you and I are one! There is no higher calling.